Dog Humour

For your amusement...

Some of the Dog Jokes included in this section are real gems and will bring a smile. But some, no doubt you will find unamusing, pointless or lacking just lacking. This is simply because humour, despite decades of research into what makes people laugh, remains a matter of individual taste.

Thank goodness, we say!

So we hope some of you enjoy a few of these.... 

 
The German Shepherd and the Barista
 
A German Shepherd walked into coffee house and after waiting patiently in the queue asked the barista for Cappuccino. As the barista did this the German Shepherd pulled out a £5 note. The barista took this and handed back the German Shepherd a pound. 
After finishing his coffee, the German Shepherd walked towards the door to go.  As he was walking out the barista called out “Good morning. I’ve never had the pleasure of serving a German Shepherd before; I hope you will come again”
“Not likely” said the German Shepherd. “with a Cappuccino costing £4!!”
 
The Vets

Last week, I too my dog to the vet. As soon as we entered the room he lept onto the table and rolled over. I said to the vet: "I appreciate your sense of fun, but would you mind looking at my dog first, please?"

Getting Rid

We were recently given a beautifully cute Labrador by a friend whoses dog had given birth to a litter of puppies - and she really is an absolutely adorable little thing. 

Unfortunately, it turned out that my wife is allergic to dogs, so sadly we had to 'get rid'.

I was very sad to see her go beacuse she was a very good cook and always kept the house spotless!

The Biker and the Pitbull
 
A man walks into a bar one day and asks “Does anyone here own that Pitbull Terrier outside?”
“Yeah, I do,” a large tattooed biker says, standing up. “What about it mate?”
"Well, I think my Dachsund just killed him”.
“What are you talkin' about?” the biker says in disbelief. ”How could a little runt like a Dachsund possibly kill my Pitbull?”
“Well,” replied the man “it appears that he got stuck in your dog's throat.”
 
Newspaper Delivery
 
A wife says to her husband “Our dog really is smart, he brings the newspaper in regularly every morning”. The husband replies “Not really, lots of dogs do that, it’s nothing special”
The wife laughs and says “He is… because we don’t take a newspaper!”
 
Designer Dog Biscuits
 
A man came home with a £12 bag of designer dog biscuits, as a treat. He says to his partner “Do you think the dog will like these?”  His partner replies “I don’t know, why don’t you go and ask him, he’s in the back garden eating his poo”
 
Vets Bills
 
Our Veterinarian is so expensive. I asked my Vet the other day “what is the life expectancy of a Dachsund?”  She replied “Fifteen thousand pounds!”
 
Two Nuns and the Hot Dogs
 
Two English nuns were visiting America for a religious conference and found themselves with an afternoon free. They duly explored some of the visitor attractions near to their hotel, and as it was tea time ordered coffees from a street Hot Dog stand.
“Are you hungry, sister” asked the first nun. The other nun replied that she was, and as neither had ever had a hot dog before, they thought it would be fun to try this foreign delicacy. They duly ordered two hot dogs, and sat down on a nearby bench to eat.
As they each tentatively unwrapped their ‘dogs’, one nun turned to look at the others ‘dog’ and asked “which bit did you get?”   
 
Toilet Water
 
I just found out our dog drinks out of the toilet. My wife said he does it because the water is a lot colder in the toilet. I’m now wondering how my wife knows this?
 
Beware of the Dog

As a man walks into a Newsagents he could not fail to notice a sign on the door ‘Careful, Dangerous Dog’.  As he approached the counter he noticed a large old hound sprawled in one of the aisles, fast asleep. The man asks the newsagent if that is the Dangerous Dog, and he replies ”Yes sir, it is“
The man smiles and says “He does not look very dangerous to me?”
The newsagent replies “No, but before I put that sign up, customers kept falling over him”
 
Dog and Cat thoughts
 
A dog sat pondering … ‘the people that look after me, love me, keep me warm, give me food, and provide me with a comfortable bed…they must be Gods’.
A cat meanwhile, thinks… ‘the people that look after me, love me, keep me warm, give me food, and provide me with a comfortable bed…I must be a God!’
 
A Greedy Labradoodle
 
A Labradoodle has gone missing after eating two cans of baked beans, two cauliflowers and a jar of gerkins. Her owners have made an emotional appeal for her not to be returned for at least 10 days.
 
Mother-in-Law  

A man who left his mother-in-law at a Dog Kennels in Croydon, has been prosecuted by the RSPCA.
 
A Counting Sheepdog

During a sheepdog trail, a talking Collie Sheepdog rounds up a flock of sheep in record time, then swaggers up to the Shepherd and reports “that’s 150 sheep in the pen, what next?” The shepherd looks puzzled, and says “that’s odd, are you sure, I only had 147 sheep?”
The sheepdog turns looking up at the Shepherd and says “I know, but I rounded it up!”
 
A Talking Dog
 
A dog walks into a Witherspoon pub in a town centre and leans on the bar. When the barman sees the dog, he walks over and the dog says “I guess you don’t get many talking dogs in here. I’ll have a drink”
The barman looks at the dog and says “No problem, you’ll find the toilets around the other side of the bar, first door on the left.”
 
Car Windows
                                                                                                                               
Why is it that dogs dislike you blowing in their faces, yet when they get in the car, they just love to stick their heads out of the car window?
 
BMW Dogs
 
Two bored dogs sitting in the back of a BMW estate, while their owners play a round of golf.
One dog noticing a few golf tees sitting on the dashboard, says to the other dog “What are those for?”
The second dog lazily replies “I’ve been led to believe they put their balls on those when they are driving”
Astonished, the first dog says “By Gosh, at BMW they think of everything”
 
 
Why Dogs are better than Girlfriends:

Dogs love it when you have friends over.
The longer you are out, the more excited dogs are to welcome you home.
Dogs will forgive you playing with other dogs.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
 
Why Dogs are better than boyfriends:

They only drink water.
They keep your feet warm, without screaming.
Dogs are easily pleased.
They can hear.
 
Man’s Best Friend
 
It’s perhaps not a coincidence that man’s best friend does not talk!
 
Dog Food
 
A man talking to another dog owner about how his dog is obsessed with food says. “He’s the only dog that I have ever met that can smell someone just thinking about food”
 
Car – doodle
 
Our Goldendoodle is quite intelligent. Not for him chasing cars. No. He spends non sleeping hours very much awake, and sits on the curb outside the house making lists of passing car registration plates!
  
The Stable Dog
 
Two racehorses stand in their respective stables, heads over the stable doors, chatting. One says that just before his last race at Epsom, where he won by a length, he had felt a strange tingling sensation in his right buttock, but that with the excitement of winning, he had up until then, not really thought much more about it.
The other race horse turned to his friend and said that the incident was indeed strange, and a coincidence as he too had a similar sensation in his right buttock earlier that week, just before he too had successfully won a race outright, at Folkestone racecourse.
The stable dog, overhearing the conversation between the two horses, then commented with “You two really are a pair of idiots, don’t you realise you were both nobbled with a drug before your races, so that you would win your races”.
Upon hearing this one of the horses, turns to the other and says “Bugger me, a talking dog!”
  
The Joking Boxer
 
A Boxer dog is put into local Boarding Kennels while his owners go on holiday abroad for several weeks.  After a few days, boredoms sets in. The Boxer notices that each evening just after the kennel lights dim, the other dogs start calling out numbers, one number at a time. Each time a number is called, the dogs in the kennels erupt in mirth and barking.
Puzzled by this turn of events each evening, the Boxer on an exercise break in the kennel yard, collars a Labrador and asks him what is going on each night.
“Oh says the Labrador, its simple really. Some of us are here for months on end, and boarding gets very monotonous. So each night we tell jokes, to while away the hours and have some fun”.
The Boxer queries this and says “But I didn’t hear any jokes, just numbers being called out”.
“Simple” says the Labrador “most of us are long term boarders here, so rather than calling out the jokes in detail, we cut to the quick, and have given our jokes numbers. It saves time, and we keep a pace going through the evening before we go to bed”.
The Boxer thinks for a moment and says “I see, do you think I could have a go at telling a joke tonite ”
“Sure” says the Labrador, “I suggest you wait until there is a pause, then call out a joke”
“Which joke would you suggest I use” replies the Boxer.  “I would recommend to begin you tell the one about the ‘Sniffer dog on a plane’, it’s a firm favourite here, it’s clean and they have not heard it for a while. So it’s a joke that’s guaranteed to get a good laugh from the dogs. The jokes number is 42. Use that, and the dogs will love it, and it will break the ice for you” replies the Lab.
So that night just as the lights dim, the numbers are called and the laughing and merriment starts. The Boxer patiently waits for a lull in the jokes, and then calls out the number 42.
This results in no reaction from the dogs. His joke falls flat.
After a moment, a dog somewhere in the kennels calls out another number, and the laughing and merriment starts again and continues.
The Boxer is gutted, and spends the rest of the night believing the Labrador has set him up.
At 11 am the following morning, the Boxer is allowed into the Kennels exercise yard, and he spots the Lab on the other side of the yard. He walks over to the Lab, looks him in the eye and says, “Were you having me on yesterday, giving me a bad joke to call out?”
“Not at all” says the Labrador. “I gave you a really good joke, but I’m afraid it was the way you told it!!”
 
Help Wanted

A small local company was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time, the manager was totally dumfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”  

-  with thanks to Rescuing Animals in Need.org  
 
One Man and his guide dog

A Blind Man and his Guide Dog are walking though a shopping mall, and turn to enter a large mens clothing shop. The blind man stoops and lifts the guide dog onto his shoulders, and then starts slowly swinging the dog around his head. An alarmed shop assistant walks up to the blind man asns says 'May I help, sir'?
'No thanks' replies the blind man.
'I'm just looking around"!


Fun dog related quotes

“The reason a dog as so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” – Anonymous 
“If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.” – Unknown 
“I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.” – Penny Ward Moser 
“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”  – Derek Bruce 
“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.” – Gene Hill 
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert Heinlein
 
More jokes will be added in due course.... 
 


 Thats all for now....